what i mean when i say “i can’t do that” - the depression edition
- i am unable to do that
- i don’t have the energy to do that
- i cannot wrap my head around what you’re asking me to do
- there is too much in my head right now
- i can not do that
what people hear:
- i am unwilling to do that
- i am being stubborn for no reason
- i am being dramatic
- i am lazy
- i need you to repeat that only louder
- i need a push
- i don’t want to do that
my new coworker is very obsessed with her weight/her diet/her health. she mentions it alot and definitely brings it up whenever there is food around the office. like ‘oh no i can’t eat those cookies, too many calories.’ or when she does take something, she says ‘oh, i’m gonna have to run this off later.’ and so on.
most of the time it’s whatever to me. sometimes i want to talk to her about her body image and stuff, but i also don’t know her that well, and maybe it just seems unhealthy/a little obsessive to me but it’s not really.
but it does piss me off/make me feel so shitty when she says stuff about me getting some of the food. things like ‘oooh you shouldn’t’ or ‘another one?’ like excuse the fuck out of me, but i didn’t know you had control over my eating habits. i hadn’t said anything yet, because it only happens sometimes and because it’s hard to bring that up without sounding hostile, and probably because i’m trying to ignore the amount of effect comments like that have on me.
last week, there was leftover pie and i passed because i wasn’t in the mood. today someone brought in some banana nut bread and asked if we wanted any, i didn’t. she responds with ‘good girl. julie’s gonna be the sexy one in this office the way she’s going.’
i cringed but responded this time. i said that idk why she’s talking about ‘gonna be sexy’ because i’m already sexy. no need to lose anything or not eat to change that.
i think she sensed that she hit a nerve, though others laughed so i know i didn’t say it in a defensive way. she tried to take it back/explain what she really meant, but i know what she really meant. that she thinks because i’m denying a few things around the office that i must be on a diet/wanting to lose weight and wanted to encourage that. because who wouldn’t want to be skinnier and lose weight and thereby look better/sexier.
i’m trying not to be annoyed with her or upset, because women have so many fucked up views of their bodies and other bodies and this is more about her than me, but seriously, leave me out of it. if i eat a whole apple pie in front of you, that’s my business. if i decide to cut out all carbs, also my business. especially when i hardly fucken know you and you have no idea of my own body image shit.
either way, you don’t have the right to trigger/police me into feeling fat, gross, unhealthy, or anything less than the sexy person i felt like when i got up this morning.
lots of feelings are happening today.
this is the first year i’m not going home for thanksgiving. i am so grateful to spend it with my love and to cook together and have a few people over, but i can’t help but be sad to miss out on home.
my grandma went to urgent care yesterday because she couldn’t stop shaking. they think it’s because she was taking nyquil with her normal medications since she has a bad cold this week and it was a bad reaction. i get so scared when these things happen, though i think this is minor and she’ll be fine. i always feel so guilty for not being there. for deciding to move out here. for being so far. for needing all of the space from them that they never understand.
it’s fucken cold. i’m trying to think of ways to keep myself from falling into this whole minor seasonal depression thing that happens so much here. you never see the sunlight during the week. it’s so cold that it makes you want to just hibernate and not do anything. hopefully making a conscious effort to stay moving, stay positive and take some vitamin d supplements will help.
friday is special. it’s our 7 year anniversary. some days it’s hard to believe but most days i knew we’d get here. so proud of the love that we’ve built. the trust we have. and that we still laugh and have fun. lots of beautiful thoughts and feelings.
feeling heavy and emotional but remembering that it’s good to feel things.